FilthyGorgeous
by EosAella
Summary: Arthur singing on a barrel? Uther moonwalking? Morgause has a love nest? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS? Not the normal kind... Complete crack based on scissor sisters' song, rated m FOR A REASON!  language in the song . No slash, unless you tilt your head a bit.


**So I did one of those shuffle challenges/prompts/things (!) and made a comment that the next song (had I not stopped) would've been filthy/gorgeous by the Scissor Sisters. So then I get this review from Shere'Lifsil saying **_**I would have loved to read what you'd done with that last one, filthy/gorgeous. **_** My mind just went 'Challenge accepted.**

**I had a little help from my friend - Louise/Romilda/Heir to the throne of Merlinland/any other name she comes up with on the spot - with this one and it was'nt done in the time limit of the song.**

Morgause walked through the lower town, quite astounded by the lack of interest in the _quite obviously evil _witch just casually strutting about Camelot.

Then again no one even seemed to notice the wierd disco beat playing in the background (although she was wondering where that was coming from).

_"Mer_lin" came voice.

There he was, Arthur Pendragon. Crown prince - ahem, prat, ahem - of Camelot.

She smirked, this would be enjoyable. She had spent weeks writing this song (Morgana was getting impatient with the lack of plotting and schemeing and combined smirking) and now it was finally time to put her plan into action.

"Hello Arthur." She revealed herself.

"Morgause!" He exclaimed.

"Oh don't be so surprised I've been here for hours now."

"How did you get past the guards? What sorcerery is this?"

"Actually the guards were easy, I didn't need any magic, Just something shiny."

"What are you doing here?"

"Err... Being evil. Duh." She really worried for Camelot if this was all their monarchy had to offer.

"Right... well... Get on with it then so I can defeat you."

In the background Merlin rolled his eyes an muttered something under his breath but no one noticed because THEY NEVER DO!

"_Andetta Camelot forgrindet min gast esol aefendream se ofteah mec ieldu aet gewrit swa spearca blodegesa eahtan hit!"_

The faint disco music in the background got louder and everyone (except Merlin because... well... he's Merlin.) started bopping up and down.

Then began the singing.

_"When your walking through town and some drunk tries to get your business." _Arthur sang in an unnaturally high voice.

"_Cos we're under a spell from a really really evil enchantress." _Merlin rolled his eyes as a random villager joined in - was that really the best line she could think of? 'Really really evil'?

_"Evil bitchier and blonder version of Morgana!" _Gwaine appeared.

"_Ain't no sum witch gonna treat me like a ho." _and back to Arthur... "_'Cos I'm a classy, honey, kissy, huggy, lovey, dovey, ghetto princess."_

This one made merlin raise his eyebrows.

Then without warning (because really if there was warning then where would be the fun in that?) they all turned and pointed to Merlin.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!"_

Merlin looked offended as Arthur turned and walked off down the street towards the castle.

"_OOOH AND HE'S GORGEOUS!"_ Some random girls swooned as the prince passed them.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!" _They passed a homeless man.

"That's a little harsh!" Merlin called after the procession heading up the street.

"_OOH AND I'M GORGEOUS!" _Gwaine shouted.

"_YOU'RE DISGUSTING!" _They had reached the courtyard were Morgana and Uther were standing watching the scene with slightly bemused looks upon their faces.

"_OOH AND YOU'RE NASTY_!" Gaius appeared out of nowhere right next to Morgana.

"_OOH AND YOU CAN GRAB ME!" _ Now it was just Arthur singing and he had turned back to Merlin.

"I'd rather not thanks..."

"_OOH COS YOU'RE NASTY!" _The whole crowd yelled at him.

Morgause appeared in the courtyard just as Arthur took a solo for the next verse, still singing to Merlin.

"_When you're running from a witch and you trip on a bit of manure, and you're working for the man but you're biggest money maker's magic."_

_"_Magic? Me? No..." Merlin denied it but Arthur had already carried on.

"_You gotta keep your shit together with your feet on the ground, ain't no one gonna listen if you haven't made a sound," _He climbed onto a barrel, "_you're an acid junkie, college flunkie, dirty puppy, daddy bastard!"_

"Gee, thanks." Merlin muttered.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!" _He pointed at his servant.

"_OOH AND HE'S GORGEOUS!" _the whole crowd joined in gesturing up at Arthur on the barrel.

"_YEAH YOU'RE FILTHY!"_

_"OOH SO GORGEOUS!"_

_"YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"_

_"_And you're nasty!" Merlin said to Morgause.

"_AND YOU CAN GRAB ME!"_

_"_Sooooo nasty." but Morgause just chuckled.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!" _

"Getting a bit repetative there Arthur."

"_OOH AND I'M GORGEOUS!"_

"Arrogant much?"

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!"_

"Back to this again are we?"

"_OOH AND i'M GORGEOUS!"_

"Still with the arrogance?"

"_YOU'RE DISGUSTING!"_

"I think this is worse."

"_OOH AND YOU'RE NASTY!"_

"Have you met you're sister?"

"_AND YOU CAN GRAB ME!"_

"I'm going to slap you in a minute."

_"OOH COS YOU'RE NASTY!"_

Everyone around them was slowly waking up so that only Arthur was left singing.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY! OOH AND I'M GORGEOUS! COS YOU'RE FILTHY!_ _OH AND I'M GORGEOUS! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! OOH AND YOU'RE NASTY! AND YOU CAN GRAB ME!OOH COS YOU'RE NASTY!_."

Once Arthur finished his song he fell off the barrel in a faint.

"Well that went better than expected..." Morgause said to break the rather awkward silence that followed.

"I think you'd better get Arthur inside." Gaius warned.

"No! He is mine! I shall take him to my love nest!" Morgause cried erning her some strange looks.

"Ok..." Said Merlin slowly.

"Back off sister!" Shouted Gwen as she came hurtling out of the castle before promptly ffalling down the steps and becoming unconscious.

"Sister!" Morgana cried embracing Morgause.

Gaius raised his eyebrow 'At least _someone _is acting normal' thought Merlin.

"_COS YOU'RE FILTHY!" _Came a cry from Uther and everyone turned to look at their king, "AND I'M GORGEOUS! THERE'S A HANGING!"

"I thought the spell wore off." Muttered Morgana.

"It did." Replied Morgause.

"_TODAY AT NOON! DON'T BE LATE! OR THERE'LL BE PUNISHMENTS! I WILL SEE YOU THERE! GOOD DAY!" _He finished his song.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" Merlin shouted.

Uther moonwalked into the castle.

"That's it, I'm leaving." Said the now thoroughly irritated warlock.

"To the tavern!" Shouted Gwaine and everyone - including Gaius - ran off.

"Really?"

Merlin looked down at where he thought Arthur was lying but discovered him gone too.

"No!" Yelled Morgause as Morgana tried to pry Arthur from her arms, "He is mine! He is my prince and I wus him and I will hug him and squeeze him and love him and kiss him and-"

"Let him go sister, come one now, let's get you a drink." Morgana led her away.

It wasn't until after _all _of this that Arthur woke up.

"MERLIN!"

"What?" asked Merlin trying to sound innocent.

"My armour isn't polished."

"Oh... Enjoy your singing sire?"

"What singing Merlin?"

Merlin just laughed and walked off.

"Where is everyone?" Arthur asked looking around.

_"COS YOUI'RE FILTHY!" _A large cry came from the tavern.

Then...

"TO ARTHUR PENDRAGON!"

Arthur frowned.

"Merlin!"

Fin.


End file.
